Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
