There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
