I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
