What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
