He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
