im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Randomize
