which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
