Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
