Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
