best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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