when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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