Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
