I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
