He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
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