So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
