Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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