Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
