hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
this is an emotional support booty call
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
