you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
