i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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