you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
