I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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