You just made me feel so damn special
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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