drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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