Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
