So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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