i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Randomize
