don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
