I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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