PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize