Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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