dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
