Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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