We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
