Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Randomize
