my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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