Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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