She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
