The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
