i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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