i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
