i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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