just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
