My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
