I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
