He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
