So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
