So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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