Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
