we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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