Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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