does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Randomize
