my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
