We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
