Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
