my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
