shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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