can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
